Archive for ‘Saturdays are for Stories’

May 15, 2010

Welcome MEA: America’s Newest Athletic Adventure

With postseason basketball upon us, this seems an appropriate time to consider the announcement of a newly formed professional league to vie for your attention. Move over NBA, and let’s give a hearty applause to the MEA. The MEA was in the process of announcing its primary market yesterday at a press conference when controversy broke out from a leaked audio recording. While initially shocked by the very fact that a new sporting league was already shrouded in controversy, I am quickly coming to the realization that apparently it can’t be a sporting event without some type of controversy. Back to the MEA controversy….

Yesterday, the president of the Monastic Evangelical Association – or MEA, Hermit Benedict, was announcing the need for a growing need for a new and more professional type of monasticism in evangelical life. “We need to refine the art of piety to the heights of superstardom. Then, as children grow up dreaming of becoming their favorite MEA player, we will compete with the NBA, NFL and other sporting franchises for the hearts, minds and physical talents of the phenoms that are around us. The next generation of MEA superstars will bring overwhelming moral and religious commentary on our culture in a single solitary meditation.” Benedict proclaimed. He continued by saying that “while we need superstars, there can be no doubt this is a team event.”

However, contrary to Benedict’s claims, a recording of a private meeting reportedly held a day earlier between owners of MEA teams was leaked. Benedict was quoted in this recording as saying that despite the public mission statement of the MEA (which reads “Committed to promote godliness while simultaneously condemning cultural sins”) the purpose of the MEA is to take attention from the everyday evangelical Christian so they can live their life in unrepentant sin without anyone noticing. He went on to say, “With MEA superstars garnishing the attention we will successfully alleviate any expectation of Joe Christian to live a godly life publicly. After all, we all know that only some of us are really God’s superstars.”

The implications of such an attitude calls into question Benedict’s claims at the initial press release by wondering if the purpose of the MEA is really to call attention to “culturally driven sins”, as Benedict calls them, or if it is really to allow the church to continue in those sins with little accountability.

It was discovered that the person responsible for the leak was a top executive in the MEA, a man by the name of Martin Luther, who is now being call the Benedict Arnold of the league.  While refusing an interview, his advocate released the following statement on his behalf, “It is our belief that all Christians are accountable to God to live a godly life while being a part of their respective cultures. We are told to be both salt and light. Mr. Luther correctly believed that despite the claims of piety that come with any type of monasticism, it is in fact a back door entry to let most Christians go unaccountable as they buy into a pragmatic philosophy of ‘well, I’ll never be [insert MEA superstar name here] so why try.'”

In the swirls of controversy, this reporter was left wondering who exactly is an ideal prospect for the MEA and what demographic would be its likely target. The Press Secretary of the MEA, Ethane Gantry Tho, was glad to give some fast facts about this breakout league. My interview with him follows:

IS: How did you get involved with the MEA?
EGT: I’ve been here since the beginning.
IS: How is this league going to look?
EGT: Like baseball, the MEA will have a farming system. The entry-level league is commonly called “The robe wearing league.” That promises for some interesting games of piety. The second level is the Kibbutz league, where farming is refined to a holy skill with the professional league garnishing the nickname “the Meade League” for obvious reasons. Each team will be from a specific denomination, with interdenominational play being the large makeup of the season’s games.
IS: Where do you expect most of your players to come from?
EGT: Prospects will only be considered from the professional ministry leadership of local churches.
IS: You aren’t accepting laity?
EGT: If you aren’t getting paid now, don’t expect to get paid in the future. And if you are getting paid now, don’t expect to get paid in the future.
IS: You’re smiling as you say this. Why such an emphasis on the clergy?
EGT: Because Christian superstars only come from clergy. It is a known fact. We’re only interested in superstars.
IS: Is there a specific kind of clergy you are looking for?
EGT: Yes, we are only looking for clergy who are currently superstars. These will be men and women who do everything for their church. Their unofficial job description shows them as the teacher, preacher, minister, evangelist, servant, hand maid and butler for everyone else in the church. If a church has anyone else volunteer to do any physical labor other than the clergy than, frankly, he just is not our man (or woman). We especially look for micromanaging churches. They produce the best overall monastic athlete.

The entire interview left me wondering one question. Is your church MEA material?

May 1, 2010

Christian Horror

The new Nightmare on Elm Street came out yesterday. I’m not really afraid of Freddy or Jason or Pinhead. They just don’t scare me. Alright, Freddy a little but the others are bogus. What does scare me is the zombie who looks like a normal person walking down the street. You know the guy – the one who is decked out in an Ashworth, Birkenstocks and Italian designer jeans. Looks normal, sounds normal. But he isn’t normal. One second you’re talking about something innocuous and the next thing you know he’s pummeling you with an axe like Mario on steroids in that old Nintendo game. Can you hear the music in the background? AAAHHHH! That is frightening.

Don’t know what I”m talking about? Let me give you a G rated example. In this scenario I’m the zombie.

You: Did you see the game last night?
Me: No.
You: Yeah, it was a 20 inning stretch.
Me: You know what bothers me? Renée Zellweger. I was watching a movie the other night – with my wife OF COURSE – and she was running in it.  Only, her running was horrible. I’ve seen better form on a flock of geese. Seriously, she was trying to create a monsoon with the sheer force of her wind turbulence. Can you imagine? A monsoon that all started because someone couldn’t take the time to get their running form straight? And how many takes did they do of that scene? 4, 8, 12? That’s the entire hurricane season right there and it as all do to Renée Zellweger. Thanks Renée. Perhaps her public safety announcements should be to herself.
You:  (Pummeled to death)

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April 3, 2010

Saturdays are for Stories…Easter Style

March 20, 2010

The Tooth Fairy

Charis asked me what the tooth fairy looked like after losing her first tooth. I decided to draw her a picture. For some reason Rachelle has banned my picture from public viewing in my own house. I’m deeply hurt. Apparently there is no room for creative interpretation in my house for what the tooth fairy looks like. Well, here is my rendition for your viewing pleasure.

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March 13, 2010

Love of a Daddy

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Love of a Daddy “, posted with vodpod

March 6, 2010

Losing Your First Tooth – Saturdays are for Stories

Our family is prepping as our first loose tooth gets looser. In an effort to give Charis comfort I told her not to worry. I said:

“Don’t worry, I lost my teeth and look how I turned out.” Didn’t help.
“Don’t worry, if you swallow your tooth at night, you’ll have a tooth tree grow in your stomach.” Didn’t help.
“Don’t worry, it only bleeds for a few minutes.” Didn’t help.
“Don’t worry, the tooth fairy is picky about what teeth she wants anyway.” Didn’t help.
“Don’t worry, its fun to feel the gap in your front teeth, just ask Michael Strahan.” Blank look.
“Don’t worry, if it doesn’t fall out you’ll resemble a white shark.” She growled at me.
“Don’t worry, teeth fall out when you least expect them – like when you are kiss a boy.” That really didn’t help.
“Don’t worry, only some of your bad teeth dreams will come true.” Didn’t help.
“Don’t worry, I can always knock it out.” She ran for help.
“If you brushed your teeth this would never happen!”

Some other ideas to calm Charis’ fears?

February 27, 2010

Happy Birthday to You

Child who is melodic.
Her dress has a pink sash.
All day long  you want soda.
Reb-omi’s sharing  sister.
I hear you say to all  hi.
So glad you are part of us.

Who am I talking about? Can you figure out how old she is turning (that is if I did it correctly – hope so)? Click here for the who? Have to comment your answer to get the age.

February 20, 2010

Cajun Conjugation

Who Dat: Singular Plural
Past Who Det wuz Who Dem wuz
Present Who Dat Who Dees
Future Who De Be Who Doz Be

Example:

Past: Who Det wuz say dey gonna beat dem saints!
Present: Who dat say dey gonna beat dem saints!
Future: Who de be say dey gonna beat dem saints!

Thus ends your class on Cajun conjugation.

February 13, 2010

The Reason behind the Weather – Saturdays are for Stories

Well, for all those wondering why we’ve been slammed with this crazy winter weather here you go…

January 23, 2010

Birth Order Chaos – Saturdays are for Stories

Talking about their day:
Oldest: Daddy, we had so much fun today!
Middle: Daddy, we had so much fun today!
Youngest: Daddy, we had so much fun today!

Oldest (turning to her sisters): Why are you repeating after me?
Middle: It’s my job! (Big smile)
Youngest: Because I love you! (Big hug)

Eating dinner:
Oldest: Daddy, my plate is all clean. I ate every last bite. Did I do a good job? (Holds up a sparkling clean plate)
Middle: Daddy, what color is light? (Oblivious of her food, her plate, her family)
Youngest: Daddy am I doing a good proraseraten (procrastinating)? (Big smile as she plays with her food)

Going to bed:
Oldest: I am so sleepy! (Giving a hug and kiss goodnight)
Middle: (Hiding under her blankets giggling)
Youngest: Daddy, I love you so much! (Refusing to let go of her hug.) Daddy give me a real hug! (Crying). I did. No, you didn’t. That wasn’t a real hug. I need a real hug. (I come back over and give her a third hug) And kisses too! (she giggles)

Getting out of bed:
Oldest: She just doesn’t. Maybe three times in six years of life has she gotten out of bed.
Youngest: Mommy, I need (mumbling follows). You need what? I need (more mumbling). Get back in bed! (Uncontrollable sobs as she walks back to bed)
Middle: (In the background watching the youngest as if we can’t see her. Cries as if she has been scolded as she follows the youngest back to bed)
Youngest: (Found sleeping in our bed two hours later)

Cuddling in the bed:
Oldest: Okay, but only for a few minutes. (She watches the clock. Two minutes pass and she is pushing away trying to get out of the door)
Middle: I want to cuddle! (She squirms and wiggles the entire time. I think she wants it to be a wrestling match)
Youngest: Cuddle me! (she tucks me in the blanket and gives kisses on the head and flops on top of me. We are there for ten minutes without moving)

Sweeping the floor:
Oldest: I can do this all day long! (and she does)
Middle: I hate this! I won’t do it! (she hasn’t tried)
Youngest: This is fun! (She is scooping sand up from the outside and throwing it on the floor so the oldest has more to sweep)

Cooking:
Oldest: Stay back! This is very dangerous!
Middle: Can I help? (Elbow deep in raw chicken already – big puppy dog eyes imploring to let her do it all by herself)
Youngest: I wanna help! (She just tries to eat everything she gets her hands on, clearly not interested in helping)

Playing the Wii:
Oldest: This is fun! (Talking technical nonsense as she plays. She plays at least two games extra before giving someone else a turn.)
Middle: Yeah, This is fun! (She starts to play and then stands still watching the time expire. 30 seconds play time – 4 minutes standing time. This is fun?)
Youngest: I want a turn. (Oldest took control from her to show her how to play the game “correctly”)